Tag: parenting

Posted on June 3, 2009 in books, parenting

Have you heard of the latest parenting style that involves reclining on the couch, martini-in-hand, while your child occupies herself with legos?  Me neither.  But Tom Hodgkinson’s new book, The Idle Parent: Why Less Means More When Raising Kids, describes a new parenting phenomena that may be the best kept secret to raising well-adjusted, independent children. Less helicoptering and micromanaging, more martinis (just look at his cover).    

In a recent New York Times magazine article “Let the Kid Be,” Lisa Belkin suggests that this new wave of parenting is on the rise.  It makes sense.  In my opinion, today’s parenting styles are a response to the over-parenting of our predecessors, those moms and dads who were determined to ruin our lives, dragging us to orchestra rehearsal because “it looked good” for college. 

Today, however, Belkin claims that parents are saying NO to strict schedules, flash cards, tutors, and violin lessons.  In truth, while I wouldn’t call it a laissez-faire approach, it’s a relaxed style that involves less in-your-face, over-scheduling and more enjoying life and being.    

I’d like the think that Belkin’s right, that perhaps we’ve been enlightened. But truthfully, as a mom enmeshed in the wilds of suburbia, I’ve yet to see this theory in action. Instead, I see kids miss out on dirty knees, because they have too much homework in first grade.  As a teacher, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to get up in someone’s grill and shout: “Just leave your kid alone.”

Bottom line: Chill out, Mom. 

For me, this boils down to trusting more and fearing less.  Trusting that our kids won’t be paralyzed by Lyme’s Disease if they play in the woods.  Trusting that they won’t be a failure if they get a C or choose not to go to . . .(oh my God) college.  Trusting that they will find their way and grow to be decent human beings- probably the same decent human beings who will respond to our under-parenting with a tightening of the reigns, and a few martinis.  

Posted on May 25, 2009 in books, food and nutrition, parenting

I’ve always been interested in the language that parents use with small children when discussing food and nutrition. We’ve all heard the old threat: “If you don’t eat your veggies, no dessert.”  By saying this, we’re setting our kids up to view eating vegetables as undesirable, just a means to get to the good stuff.  I’ll be the first to say, I love dessert.  In moderation.

So how can I talk to my toddler about food and avoid the negotiating and bribery game that drains so many parents and ends in a power struggle?  

I recently consulted Dr. William Sears’s book, The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood.  Dr. Sears uses a simple and kid-friendly language when discussing food.  He talks of “green light” (best) foods versus “red light” (worst) foods, and uses this terminology to steer kids towards making healthy choices.  Dr. Sears also refers to nutritious foods as “grow foods.”  His article, The ABC’s of Teaching Nutrition to Your Kids, is an excellent resource for parents; it offers practical tips for raising a health-conscious child with an adventurous palette (without crowning you Meanest Mother in the World).   

Stacie Elliott, founder of New Mommy Help, regularly blogs about supporting and encouraging new moms.  She is the mother of 4 beautiful children, twin boys- 6, girl-3, boy-1.  I am so grateful for Stacie’s expertise in this area (I consider the mom of 4 good eaters an expert!)

“I believe proper nutrition begins at birth–preferably breastfeeding. This requires a mom to think about what she is eating right from the start. By the way, this is a fine example of the beginning of motherhood, isn’t it? We have to make sacrifices and wise decisions regarding our children that we might never have made otherwise.

“As moms, we all know that it doesn’t matter what is on our plate; our children want it. Obviously, we can say what we want about food, but in the end our actions speak louder. Modeling healthy eating is a vital form of communication. For example, when our children started on solid foods, I chose to make homemade baby food. As often as possible, I would simply use the food we were having for dinner. If we had baked sweet potatoes, I made a puree for the baby. Of course, this only works when choosing nutritionally sound meals.

“We regularly talk about the ingredients and nutritional value in different foods. Like, meat has protein for strong muscles. Fruits and Veggies have various vitamins, etc.  Our kids respond well to that and seem to make good choices when given the chance. However, our 6-year-olds are already dealing with peer pressure in this area. They see what other kids eat and drink and want to know why they can’t have soda (for example). Since we have already talked about how foods provide various types of nutrition, they can understand our decision better.

“In response to the question, “Have I eaten enough to have dessert?” we have designated dessert days. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are dessert days. Everyone knows dessert is only on weekends. We view it as something special, and it’s not expected any other day. We do, however, make exceptions on special occasions (i.e. birthdays). We tell our kids that desserts have lots of sugar and very little healthy ingredients, if any. That’s why we do not have dessert every day. We want to take care of our bodies and limit foods that are empty.”

Posted on May 24, 2009 in parenting, small moments

Yesterday, we were invited to a BBQ, so I decided to make homemade brownies from The Bride and Groom’s First Cookbook. (Eight years later, and I’m just getting around to using it.) The recipe sounded heavenly. Chocolate, LOTS of chocolate. Walnuts. Sugar. More chocolate.

Posted on May 20, 2009 in family fun, parenting

My daughter LOVES music. I mean, really loves it. During her infancy, we spent hours bouncing and twirling across the kitchen floor, dancing to everything and anything. Except classical. Take that, Baby Einstein!

Posted on May 18, 2009 in family fun, parenting

I love the smell of bacon. In part, because it’s so darn tasty (though I’m not sure how I feel about Bacon Lip Balm). But also, because it takes me back to the Saturday mornings of my childhood. Pancake breakfasts, with a pound of bacon. (In his Odes to Common Things, Pablo Neruda really should have written an “Ode to Bacon.”)

Posted on in books, parenting

I recently heard a mom remark, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with my kids this summer.  They don’t know how to just play.”  Sound familiar? 

I’m making a sweeping generalization here: Today’s suburban kids live by set schedules and organized, adult-regulated activities.  We moms shuttle them off to piano lessons, tutoring, baseball practice, art class.  We think we’re doing what’s best for our kids.  We want them to have opportunities, so we start building our kids’ “resumes” in elementary school. 

Yes, I would agree that kids learn discipline, the value of teamwork, and socially appropriate behavior from playing soccer or saxophone.  But there’s a seriousness and rigidity to all of this structure, and we’re missing something big. . .

PLAY.    

In his outstanding book, Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagintion, and Invigorates the Soul, Stuart Brown, M.D., discusses play as a state of mind.  He defines it as “an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of self-consciousness and sense of time.” 

Notice how Brown says that play is “apparently purposeless.”  In his eyes, it is perhaps the most important aspect of brain growth.  Brown believes that “play lies at the core of creativity and innovation.”

But we think that kids who fit the mold, who play “the game” with an exceptional GPA and an impressive resume (that includes a service trip to Africa, of course), will be rewarded in life. 

How many unhappy college graduates do you know? 

In recent years, Brown has presented a seminar on play to Stanford sophomores, who he believes are “suffering from low-grade play deprivation, and are so used to their hectic, pressured, high-performance lives (despite still being kids) that they don’t realize what they have missed in the pursuit of academic excellence and success.” 

I was that kid.  Growing up, I was so tightly wound that I lost sight of play.   For me, good grades got old, and there was a huge price to pay for not cutting loose.  At the end of the day, who cares about academic accolades and big fat promotions if there is no play. 

So, how can we encourage our children to play? 

Brown suggests exposing our children to various opportunities at a young age and taking note of their early desires and inclinations, “the natural choices that your child’s early play demonstrates.”  Then, encourage those early patterns that result from natural desires to build, sing, create, dance, etc.

So, the next time your child plays with the box instead of the $100 award-winning toy inside of it, swallow your pride and give yourself permission to smile.  She is building a world for herself and mastering the most important subject, Life 101.  

Posted on May 13, 2009 in life lessons, parenting

Posted on April 4, 2009 in life lessons, parenting, small moments

Posted on March 25, 2009 in life lessons, parenting, small moments

Last fall, my husband and I drove to a historic town about two hours from our home, hoping to spend the day strolling down quaint little streets, flanked by shops with perfect holiday finds for people who have everything. During our drive, I asked my husband, “So what’s your perfect afternoon look like?”

He replied, “First we do some shopping (He always knows what to say). Then we find this little gourmet deli, like the one in Nantucket, and order sandwiches with a dill or horseradish mayonnaise. And we find a nice little park bench to sit on and eat lunch. Just me and my girls. That’s all I want.” It seemed so simple.

Well, we never did find that deli, or the park bench. After scoping out a few empty restaurants (never a good sign), we decided to leave early and head towards our favorite ice cream shop, Thomas’s Sweets. If nothing else, we would end up eating some really yummy ice cream; I could live with that.

To make a long story short, a few u-turns later, we settled on a small town pizzeria in I-don’t-know-where. I guess the ice cream wasn’t meant to be. We were both tired and hungry, trying to remain upbeat for our one-year-old daughter, who hadn’t even made a fuss; bless her soul.

On our way out the door, I lifted my daughter for the ‘ol sniff test, and something wasn’t quite right. As strange as this may sound, you learn your child’s smells. In a room full of kids, I know if she’s the pooper. But this one was different. “Smell her,” I said, holding her bottom up to my husband.

That’s when I saw it. The leak. “Oh, God. Get her outside.”

In the middle of downtown who-knows-where, I needed to get my daughter out of those pants fast; it would have been nice to do it without creating an all-out scene. This is no exaggeration: it was a mudslide. Clearly, a two-man operation. In the middle of the sidewalk, my daughter arched her back and giggled as I, frazzled, tried to wiggle her pants down her legs, now entirely painted in poop. And all the while, she had the audacity to laugh!

We bid farewell to those brand-new pink pants, and my child went sans pants for the drive home. She was as happy as a pig in sh–.

I share this story, because as moms, we need to develop and nurture our sense of humor. It’s easy to get bogged down in the muck (not too far from the truth!) These days, I’m trying not to take myself too seriously. Sh– happens. How you clean it up matters- with empathy, understanding, and a little bit of humor. It’s that simple.

Posted on March 19, 2009 in books, parenting

Although my daughter is only 17 months, I recently attended a seminar called STEP: The Systematic Training for Effective Parenting.  I believe that it’s never too early to start consciously using a language that promotes mutual respect and positive relationships.  

My wish for my daughter is that she will one day look in the mirror and see a competent, compassionate, confident woman.   I want so much for her, but above all, I want her to know that who she is will always be enough.  

Below are some phrases I’ve used (adapted from STEP: Parenting Young Children), guaranteed to encourage your child, so that she can feel good about herself.