Photo by me'nthedogs

When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it’s bottomless, that it doesn’t have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space. -Pema Chodron

As a high school math teacher, my husband frequently writes college recommendations. At the top of each letter, he types five bold-faced words that describe his best and brightest. These are the snapshots, the power words, the reasons why a university should say yes: intellectual, driven, intuitive, motivated, mature, compassionate, reflective. All admirable traits.

But I think there are a few missing. He’s never written kind or caring, perhaps because they sound too commonplace, too ordinary. He’s never written warm or gentle either. But it’s not because he’s never taught students who embody these qualities. He just doesn’t recognize them as powerful enough or believe them to be highly valued by a college admission’s office. Does warm qualify you as worthy college material? How is someone with gentleness a good investment in a university’s future? 

The irony of this is that many people have told me that my toddler is sweet. And naturally, I say thank you and smile, but inside I’m beaming. To have a child whose heart is full, whose manner is mild, whose very being exudes warmth and kindness. As a parent, I couldn’t wish for more. And I hope that this feeling is never overshadowed by a the pressure to define oneself by the power words. Let sweet be enough.  For me, gentleness has power- maybe not the power to move money, but the power to move human beings. 

Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength. -Saint Frances de Sales

**This post is part of the Moms’ 30-Minute Blog Challenge at Steady Mom**

Photo from ralphbijker

I watch very little television, although I have been known to say that the only good thing about winter is American Idol. And in the fall, college football. Aside from that, my TV watching is generally limited to a mindless TiVo’d sitcom before conking out on the couch. 

As a parent, I limit my daughter’s TV watching to one Sesame Street episode in the evening. I’m all for turning off the TV and playing in dirt. It’s funny, though, that some of my fondest family memories include the television. I remember singing the theme song to Fame with my mom, laughing at Bill Cosby’s antics with my dad, and watching Saturday morning cartoons with my sisters while fishing for the prize inside the Cheerios box. 

Is TV all that bad? Or in some instances, when used in moderation, can it actually bring families together? 

If you call my house on a Saturday afternoon in the fall, you’ll get voice mail. I’m probably glued to the TV, watching Notre Dame football on NBC. With my family. For me, ND football is more than a sporting event. It’s something that rallies my family around spirit, tradition, and fun. We throw on our Irish gear, yell the cheers, and shake our car keys for a defensive “key” play. And it’s simply adorable when my 2 year old throws her arms up for a “Touchdown!” 

Some families get pumped up for March Madness. For others, it’s the World Series, the Daytona 500, or the Olympics. Sports can be enjoyed by all ages, and they nurture a spirit of healthy competition and teamwork. When families get revved up together, it builds camaraderie and a shared identity. This is what stays with kids. 

Maybe you’re not a sports fan. That’s okay; watch the Discovery Channel and learn about an endangered animal. Or pop in an old family favorite on DVD (I have all 8 seasons of the Cosby Show). If your children are older, tune into a family-friendly reality show with them. Whatever you choose, pick a set date and time and make it ritualistic. You’ll be glad you did.

Photo by Photos8.com

Today, you can find me over at Simple Kids, reviewing the picture book, Those Shoes, for early elementary readers and their families. This is a story about a young boy who desperately wants new black sneakers with white stripes, the fancy ones he can’t afford. Sound familiar? At some point, haven’t we all desired those coveted shoes, or purse, or car, or bigger kitchen? Did I say bigger kitchen? Yes, that’s what I want. Oh, and a finished basement. I’m convinced that these things would make me happier, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe then I would want to upgrade all of my appliances to stainless. (Honestly, just the thought makes me shamefully happy.) This is my struggle. Is anybody with me?  

It’s hard not to want all that stuff and to be content with what is. Dr. Charles Berg, author of Is Your Lifestyle Killing You?, states that “it isn’t letting go of things that’s important, but letting go of attitudes toward things.” He challenges us to seek happiness within- right here, right now.  

Our relationship with money and things is learned. From an early age, we assign money a certain degree of power. The question becomes, how much should we give it? Should we choose to buy our kids those shoes, the cool ones that everybody has?  It’s awfully hard to say NO, but are we teaching our children that stuff can make us happy?  

I would argue that in the short-term, yes, things have the power to make us happy.  But over the long haul, they do not satisfy our deepest needs and desires.  So, what does?  (Warning: This may sound trite.) An attitude of gratitude for all that is. When I focus on all that I have, all that I want loses its power over me.  

At the end of the day, when those rubber shoes are worn, I am blessed. I am safe. I am full. I am warm. I am loved. All this I need. All this I want. Even more than the kitchen.

As a parent, how do you balance your children’s wants and needs?  In what ways are you encouraging your children to seek happiness from within?   

Photo by lepiaf.geo

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if i have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. -Buddha

 . . .and so it goes with parenting.

Photo by {link:http://www.flickr.com/photos/phinworld/141255554/}Phineas H{/link}

It’s amazing how well kids adapt to new surroundings and make themselves right at home. Case in point: While barbecue-hopping last weekend, my daughter beelined it for a stranger’s collection of My Little Ponies, and snatched one for herself. (We’re still working on please and thank you.)  As I watched her waddle off with a plastic, pink pony tucked between her little fingers, I couldn’t help but feel conflicted. While a part of me felt a nostalgia towards the girly obsessions of my childhood (so much so that I began humming the theme song), another piece of me cringed at the thought of my child clutching corporate plasticity.

As a parent, I struggle with the toy industry. I’m bothered by synthetic toys manufactured overseas, mass-produced under inhumane conditions, with questionable safety standards and no guarantee of worker compensation. I much prefer to support toys produced in our own backyard, ones that are natural, non-toxic, brand-free, and more importantly, that encourage open-ended play. It just doesn’t feel good to support Hasbro and Mattel, the megalosaurs of the industry who drive competition and stomp on the little guy. And yet, while I happen to like the little guy, sometimes the big kid on the block is inescapable.  So, I’ve come up with my own toy-purchasing values to live by:

1. Whenever possible, I will choose toys that encourage open-ended play and nurture creativity: musical instruments, wooden figures, play silks, kitchen tools, blocks, art supplies, etc.

2. I will gently guide my child towards the types of toys in #1.  I will do this with the understanding that she is still going to love her talking, laughing, story-telling Elmo. In her eyes, he may trump wooden blocks. That’s okay.

3. I will buy quality toys over quantity. Five quality toys are worth far more to me than ten pieces of battery-operated plastics. I’d prefer to spend a little bit more for something that’s timeless and can be passed down to another generation of children.

4. I will steer clear of Toys R Us, except to buy Legos, which are a family favorite. I will not, however, berate Santa for stopping at a department store. That’s unrealistic (although I will let him know that we prefer non-toxic toys manufactured under the jolly conditions of the North Pole workshop).

5. In general, I will choose generic toys over big brands and Hollywood-driven, anatomically-incorrect icons, like Barbie.  If my child happens to love My Little Pony, I will not freak out over supporting Hasbro. Big business is a reality, and philosophically, moderation over abstinence works better for me.

Do I sound wishy-washy and contradictory? Well, that’s because this is a tricky topic. In this challenging economy, it’s hard to shell out $120 for a Waldorf doll when you could clear an entire shelf at Toys R Us for that same amount. For me, this dilemma boils down to putting my money where my values are. Most of the time. The rest of the time, it’s about being okay with the occasional run-in with Hasbro.

If you’d like some more food for thought, here are two interesting posts from the blogosphere:

Choosing Creative Toys @ Steady Mom
Classic Toys That Are Worth The Money @ Simple Mom

Earth’s Best, Beaches Family Resorts, American Greetings, McDonald’s.  These are the proud sponsors of Sesame Street.  I know them well.  So does my toddler.  Call me crazy, but I recently started fast-forwarding through the McDonald’s segment.  Oh my God, have I become one of those hyper-vigilant moms?  Marion Nestle made me do it.  Her comprehensive guide on food and nutrition, What to Eat, opened my eyes to the deception of big food companies and the sophisticated marketing tactics they use to target kids.  They are so good that we don’t even notice it.  That’s precisely the problem.

Take breakfast cereals, for example.  What child isn’t attracted to cartoon characters like Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes), Toucan Sam (Froot Loops), or the Trix rabbit?  You can’t blame them.  These brands boast fun. Many even send kids to websites with games featuring these characters.  Although I cringe at the idea of chocolate Lucky Charms at 7 a.m., Nestle argues that brand loyalty, not actual taste, is the issue. Darn leprechaun.

Can parents just say no?  Easier said than done, especially for working parents who are wearing multiple hats throughout the day.  Even Nestle confesses caving in to her kids’ nagging: “If, as I was, you are working full time and are away from your kids most of the day, the last thing you want to do is argue with them about cereals and sodas. In the greater scheme of raising children, buying a box of cereal or a snack food seems harmless enough.  So you give in.  I certainly did. Marketers know this, and exploit the time-pressured realities of modern life to the hilt.”

Nestle has some rules for the easiest way to deal with kids’ marketing in supermarkets.  I think that some are a bit unrealistic for many moms (e.g. don’t take small children grocery shopping), but I’m going to try some of these strategies: 

• Set spending limits in advance for snacks or specific aisles.  I don’t expect that my daughter will never eat candy or junk, but I love the idea of setting a dollar spending limit. 
• Don’t buy products with cartoons and games on them.  
• Don’t buy cereals or snacks that say “fun,” which is often equated with unhealthy.  
• Don’t buy foods because they are vitamin-enriched.  They are usually also sugar-enriched.  
• Stick to the periphery of the supermarket, or spend minimal time in the center aisles.  
• Talk to your children about food marketing and target audiences.  

When I was in college, the director of my dorm always said, “All things in moderation.”  I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I sneak a handful of M&M’s when I need a little fix.  Overall, however, we are a health-conscious family, and my daughter eats peas by the handful.  I guess that’s why I feel compelled to fast forward through McDonald’s.  It’s my way of saying, “We’re not lovin’ it.”  Beaches family resorts? Now that’s another story.

At 6:45 a.m., Dr. Jekyll woke up as happy as a lark, well-rested and babbling away.  We had breakfast, read books, played, and headed off to church.  She was an angel, granted we did have Cheerios, the miracle cure for boredom and fussiness.  It was going so well . . .too well.  

Enter Mr. Hyde.

Around 11:00, the whining commenced. I’m not good with whining. It’s so, well, whiney.  I could sense my frustration mounting: Child, what do you want?  I wish you could just tell me.  I thought maybe she was hungry, so I tried lunch.  My bad.  

She flung the peas (regularly eats them double-fisted), flailing her arms in disapproval.  Okay, maybe she doesn’t want peas today.  That’s cool (well, not really). So I went straight to black beans and cheese.  Nope, didn’t want them either.  

Then came the tears.  Then snot.  Then hysterics.  Okay, forget lunch.  

I wanted to cry.  I was tired, trying to make everything work.  And it wasn’t happening.  She had hit a wall, and I was about to join her.  It’s hard not to actually lose it when you are, in fact, losing it.  

Ironically, that very morning I had heard about the power of responding versus reacting.  How timely. Scary timely.  I decided not to force anything. Instead, I took a few deep breaths and acknowledged my feelings: Breathe. You’re frustrated and angry. You’re a mom; you’re not perfect. Breathe. Just be with it. Don’t fight it. Ride it out. This, too, will pass.  Breathe.  

I decided to respond rather than react.  Okay, I see you’re not hungry.  Let’s go sleepy.  Missing lunch wasn’t the end of the world.  I wiped her face down with a warm cloth, changed her diaper, and headed upstairs.  

As soon as we settled into the rocking chair with Hippo, she rested her head on my shoulder and let go.  In the silent rocking, all tension melted away.  Her eyelids softened and her body fell limp in my arms. My little girl was back.  I felt forgiven.  This was what she needed.  Finally, I understood.  

I think having a toddler teaches you how to be with what is at that very moment.  You never know when Mr. Hyde might come knocking, but it helps to have some coping mechanisms at your fingertips.  The next time you’re about to crack, breathe into your feelings and acknowledge them. You are human. You are doing your best.  

Leo Tolstoy says, “All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.”  I think it’s safe to say that, as parents, we all want to understand- to truly know- our children.  Still, there are days when we are going to teeter on the edge.  Stop.  Breathe.  Be with it.  Respond.  Love, and learn.  

Yesterday I read a thoughtful piece, Nurturing Independence in Our Children, written by Megan at Simple Kids.  In anticipation of July 4th, she challenged readers to think about how we can nurture and encourage a spirit of independence in our children.  Needless to say, I am approaching this holiday through an entirely new lens.  Thank you, Megan.  

I sunk into the couch last night and turned to a favorite book of mine: Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.  In it, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn discuss the idea of honoring sovereignty in ourselves and in our children.  This resonated with me: 

“Children are born with sovereignty, in that they are born perfectly who and what they are.  We like to think that every child that is born really is an incarnation of what is most sacred in life, and that we as parents are guardians of the unfolding and flowering of their being and their beauty.”  

The Kabat-Zinn’s believe that our heart’s greatest desire is to live in accordance with our true nature and to honor the wholeness of our being. They believe that we, as parents, have a sacred responsibility to encourage our children to be who they are, and to celebrate their beauty and innate goodness.  

So how, in our daily lives, can we honor the sovereignty of our children? Here is what the Kabat-Zinn’s suggest: 

• Acknowledge the unique personality of your child, and the various stages of development (including those trying toddler and teenage years).
• Let go of your attachment to expectation and be present to what is. Embrace the present with an open heart. 
• Connect to your own feelings, reactions, and tendencies by paying close attention to your own mind and body. 
• Acknowledge that you cannot solve all problems. Instead, empathize. Model trust and a belief in your child’s abilities.  

Easier said than done?  Yes.  Still, I appreciate the work of people who call me to my highest self and who nudge me toward the spiritual practice of mindful parenting.  It’s a true gift.  

This weekend and always, may you be free.  Happy Independence Day!

Last Saturday, while traveling to visit some friends (never underestimate the value of a long car ride- time to actually talk), we discussed what it is that defines us.  Our goal was to identify 3-5 core values that would serve as the foundation for all that we believe and do.  To start, each of us listed 5 values that we could stand behind, the ones that we felt were of paramount importance.  Then, we identified those that we had in common, and defended those that we didn’t.  Through this process, certain words and ideas emerged as being essential to how we want our family to operate.

One thing that helped to keep our discussion focused was constantly returning to the language of WHO WE ARE as individuals, not just what we hope for our family.  In other words, we cannot be something that we’re not. Likewise, we cannot give something that we don’t have.  There are certain qualities that initially attracted us to each other years ago, and we wanted to be sure that we would honor these as a family.

Here are the 4 Core Values that define us: 

1. Kindness: Generosity of Spirit.  We show people that we care.  We are sympathetic and understanding, and we act with a warm heart.  
2. Responsibility: We have a responsibility to ourselves, to our communities, and to the world. 
3. Faith: We believe in God and in each other.  We are loyal to each other, trusting that each person has something special to offer the world. 
4. Fun: We remember to approach life with a light-hearted playfulness, to laugh a lot, and to make memories together.  

So, I ask you: What defines a ________(insert your last name)?  Is it creativity, courage, flexibility, independence, optimism?  Or is it service, integrity, passion, excellence, persistence?  Below are a few questions that may help to narrow your focus:

• How would you define yourself? 
• As an individual, what are your top priorities?
• How do you spend most of your time? 
• What is it that guides your decisions? 
• What do you most admire in yourself and in your partner? 
• What would you like to pass on to your children?

It amazes me that after one week, I am already beginning to see life through the lens of family core values. The process of reflecting, verbalizing, and writing our family core values enabled me to truly see what I want for myself and for those people I love the most.

If you answered yes to one of these questions, then it’s time to pick up a copy of Jen Singer’s latest guide to confident parenting: Stop Second-Guessing Yourself: The Toddler Years.  Jen Singer, the internet’s favorite Momma and creator of MommaSaid.net, addresses these crazy years with honesty and wit. This survival guide is packed with tried and true tips from a seasoned mom, someone who understands why we muffle the phone in a pile of laundry during naptime. Jen is the real deal, empathizing with the challenges we face everyday.  She advocates for schedules and yet understands improvisation.  And she knows what it’s like to feel trapped in the house with a messy, strong-willed shrieker.  

This book offers sound advice and encouragement about everything from bedtime to potty training readiness to, of course, meltdowns in the middle of Target.  Through entertaining anecdotes, Jen finds humor in the trenches of toddlerhood and invites us to embrace our humanness as mothers.  If you do nothing else today, pat yourself on the back.  Then, grab a copy of Stop Second-Guessing Yourself: The Toddler Years, and lock yourself in the bathroom for a little extra validation.