Photo by Aaron Geller

Last week, a friend commented, “Did you get a haircut? Love the hair!”

“No, I just did it,” I laughed, brushing off the ridiculous amount of time it takes to tame my wild mane.

I don’t choose to spend much time in the bathroom, with a hairdryer and a flat-iron. I prefer the extra hour of sleep in the morning, or the chance to watch a mindless TV show at night, which means that my hair is usually in a ponytail. So I’m not the hottest mom on the block. My daughter still thinks I’m pretty cool. 

This incident sheds light on one of my biggest challenges: time management. As a SAHM, I arguably have more time on my hands than ever before, and yet I feel like I’m never satisfied with my abilities as a home manager. I’m not juggling a career, a home, and a family, so why is this so hard to manage?

A few months ago, I read something at Simple Mom that resonated with me: “Every choice we make in life is both a choice to do something and a choice to not do something.” 

I can choose to stay in my pajamas and read books and play with legos, but that means choosing not to do chores. 

I can choose to prepare dinner during naptime, but that means no computer time. 

I can choose to fold laundry, but that means not spending quality time with my child (although we have had some laundry laughing incidents involving mommy’s underwear on our heads). 

You get my point. 

If staying at home is just about playing and mothering, I am more than measuring up. But it’s not. Here’s my problem: I can’t justify focusing on the mundane tasks of everyday life when I could be making the most of the reason why I choose to stay home in the first place. Little fingers. Little hugs. Little giggles. Little phrases. (Even little problems.) Honestly, I’m afraid to blink. 

I’m consciously working to re-program my thinking about my role as a SAHM. Here’s what I’ve begun to do: 

• Make a mental to-do list of things that I WANT to do each day. Sometimes it’s easy to feel trapped as a SAHM, but I’ve found that replacing “have to” with “want to” is freeing. Being intentional gives me focus and purpose, and I generally feel happier, because I control the outcome of the day (rather than feeling like a slave to all that needs to get done). Does that mean I never do chores? No. Sometimes I bang out 3 loads of laundry at once. Ironically, I’m more productive when I allow myself the freedom to choose. 

• Eliminate “should” from my vocabulary. Rather than saying, “I should be doing those dishes,” I acknowledge what I’m choosing to do instead. Yesterday, when I ran out the door to dance class, the sink was piled high with dishes. I had to let that go for the time being in order to do something that replenishes my own well. Although I paid for it later, it was well worth it. 

• Recognize that every decision is a both a choice to do and not to do. Just the mere acknowledgement that I’m choosing one thing over another adds clarity to my day when I look around at the piles and messes. Maybe I didn’t file the bills. Instead, I took my daughter to story hour at the library, filled the car with gas, and picked up dinner at the supermarket. When I focus on what I have chosen to do, I can live with what I’ve chosen not to do. 

• Ask myself: Are my actions congruent with my priorities? I almost never choose housekeeping over playing. The reason is simple: I wanted to be present for the little moments (the good, the bad, and the ugly; okay, maybe not the ugly). So here’s my confession: My husband and I have budgeted for someone to clean our home twice a month. Playing is a priority for me; mopping floors isn’t. 

I don’t know a single mom who doesn’t struggle with how she spends her day: Am I giving enough time to my children? Am I giving enough time to my spouse, my home, myself? This concept of choosing has helped me to align my priorities and my mental to-do list in a way that feels good. Would it feel good to have a few more “Love the hair” compliments too? Absolutely. But for now, that’s pretty far down on the list.