Tag: books

Reading: A Way to Connect with Your Spouse

Posted on March 26, 2009 in books, relationships


Prior to having a child, my husband and I usually spent our dinnertime recounting our teaching days, which were never short of funny, inspiring, aha! moments. We poured over challenging situations and sought each other’s advice in dealing with helicopter parents. I’ve always viewed our shared passion for educating youth as a gift.  It connects us; it’s nice to come home to someone who genuinely understands your world.

As you might imagine, when I chose to become a stay-at-home mom, I suddenly felt dull and boring.  I didn’t have stories to share at dinner, at least not ones that I believed were worthy of sharing (There’s that inner critic.).  Besides, did he really want to hear about how many diapers I changed or the challenge of finding my way into the shower?  While my daughter brought me great joy, there was also a sense of loss.  Really, I think this is a natural part of the process of redefining oneself.

That Christmas, my husband gave me Plain Truth, written by my favorite author, Jodi Picoult.  To my surprise, he suggested that we read it together; yes, men read her books too.  What I love about Jodi (we’re on a first name basis in this house) is that her books are emotionally charged with multi-dimensional characters who are struggling with difficult moral issues reflective of our time, many of them controversial.  She challenges my own belief system, as her characters walk a fine line between what we consider to be right and wrong, and I love that.  So, naturally, her books sparked some fresh dinner conversation, which is exactly what my husband intended, and exactly what I needed.  

Our little “book club” turned out to be a whole lot of fun, far more than I would have anticipated. During the day, I’d email him at school: “What page are you on?”  I was secretly hoping to be ahead.  No such luck.  He always managed to sneak in a few pages here or there during the bedtime bottle-feeding. I hate fast readers.

As an English teacher, I’ve always emphasized the power of words and language to connect us as human beings.  Although my role has changed, reading together has helped me to feel connected again, not only with my husband but with that teacher-self who was craving something more stimulating than baby babble. Our evening book talks have filled an intellectual void for me, and frankly, my brain doesn’t feel quite so mushy.  Tonight we’re having roast chicken with a side of good conversation.  I can’t wait to dig in! 

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Ways to Encourage Your Young Child: What to Say

Posted on March 19, 2009 in books, parenting

Although my daughter is only 17 months, I recently attended a seminar called STEP: The Systematic Training for Effective Parenting.  I believe that it’s never too early to start consciously using a language that promotes mutual respect and positive relationships.  

My wish for my daughter is that she will one day look in the mirror and see a competent, compassionate, confident woman.   I want so much for her, but above all, I want her to know that who she is will always be enough.  

Below are some phrases I’ve used (adapted from STEP: Parenting Young Children), guaranteed to encourage your child, so that she can feel good about herself.  

  • “I can see you’re working hard on that puzzle!”
  • “You look like you’re having lots of fun!”
  • “Thank you for your help turning on the light.”
  • “You’re getting better at eating with spoon.”
  • “I need your help putting the toys away.”
  • “You seem to like taking a bath.”
  • “Wow!  You can climb up the stairs all by yourself.”
  • “You remembered to keep your bib on.”  
  • “Thank you for bringing me the toilet paper.  That helped me a lot.” (No joke!)  
So what’s the big deal?  What strikes me about this language is a conscious shift from “I/me” to “you.”  It’s all about your child, her efforts, feelings, and self-esteem. The STEP philosophy makes an important distinction between encouragement and praise, and this resonated with me.

Rather than saying “I’m so proud of you,” which might actually be damaging if your child is a perfectionist, you might say, “You seem so proud of your artwork!”  In the latter example, children don’t grow-up believing that they need to live up to someone else’s expectations.  They learn to live up to their own.  Powerful stuff, right?  

I am not saying that all praise is negative, but I love the idea of using a language that encourages children, honoring their strengths and acknowledging their struggles.  And just like unconditional love, it doesn’t need to be earned.  

(For more information, visit the Systematic Training for Effective Parenting)

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