Remember your mother saying, “I have had it up to here with you kids”? And you wondered: Up to here? Where’s that? Well, last weekend I figured out where here is. It’s the precipice, the edge of the cliff, the point at which you’re about to crack. On Sunday, I felt like I was mothering Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Either that, or a toddler. Here’s what happened, in a nutshell:
At 6:45 a.m., Dr. Jekyll woke up as happy as a lark, well-rested and babbling away. We had breakfast, read books, played, and headed off to church. She was an angel, granted we did have Cheerios, the miracle cure for boredom and fussiness. It was going so well . . .too well.
Enter Mr. Hyde.
Around 11:00, the whining commenced. I’m not good with whining. It’s so, well, whiney. I could sense my frustration mounting: Child, what do you want? I wish you could just tell me. I thought maybe she was hungry, so I tried lunch. My bad.
She flung the peas (regularly eats them double-fisted), flailing her arms in disapproval. Okay, maybe she doesn’t want peas today. That’s cool (well, not really). So I went straight to black beans and cheese. Nope, didn’t want them either.
Then came the tears. Then snot. Then hysterics. Okay, forget lunch.
I wanted to cry. I was tired, trying to make everything work. And it wasn’t happening. She had hit a wall, and I was about to join her. It’s hard not to actually lose it when you are, in fact, losing it.
Ironically, that very morning I had heard about the power of responding versus reacting. How timely. Scary timely. I decided not to force anything. Instead, I took a few deep breaths and acknowledged my feelings: Breathe. You’re frustrated and angry. You’re a mom; you’re not perfect. Breathe. Just be with it. Don’t fight it. Ride it out. This, too, will pass. Breathe.
I decided to respond rather than react. Okay, I see you’re not hungry. Let’s go sleepy. Missing lunch wasn’t the end of the world. I wiped her face down with a warm cloth, changed her diaper, and headed upstairs.
As soon as we settled into the rocking chair with Hippo, she rested her head on my shoulder and let go. In the silent rocking, all tension melted away. Her eyelids softened and her body fell limp in my arms. My little girl was back. I felt forgiven. This was what she needed. Finally, I understood.
I think having a toddler teaches you how to be with what is at that very moment. You never know when Mr. Hyde might come knocking, but it helps to have some coping mechanisms at your fingertips. The next time you’re about to crack, breathe into your feelings and acknowledge them. You are human. You are doing your best.
Leo Tolstoy says, “All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.” I think it’s safe to say that, as parents, we all want to understand- to truly know- our children. Still, there are days when we are going to teeter on the edge. Stop. Breathe. Be with it. Respond. Love, and learn.
Jill says:
Beautifully written. I have an 19 month old and could relate to that entire post. Thanks for the reminder.
Your Mom (I’m pretty sure) visited my Aunt in NC a few weeks ago. Your Mom showed my Aunt your website and she passed it onto me. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts!
Jill´s last blog ..Date Day
July 16, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Stacie @ newmommyhelp.net says:
I couldn’t agree more. Toddlers, preschoolers, etc. They need us to respond. This is something I learn each day. Wish I could just learn it once and be done with it. Thanks for the reminder:).
Stacie @ newmommyhelp.net´s last blog ..A Daily Routine For Infants & Toddlers
July 16, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Andrea says:
What testimony to your patience. Absolutely beautiful. I am encouraged by your perserverance and I know that Liza must feel so safe and secure knowing that her Mom is willing to breathe, relax, and respond.
July 17, 2009 at 9:58 am
BJ_Mama says:
Just found you through MBC…and I can completely relate! I have a 23 month old daughter, and we have those days too! Well handled!
BJ_Mama´s last blog ..1000 Page Views Giveaway!
July 18, 2009 at 4:52 am
Rowena @ RiseFallNeverQuit says:
I can totally relate with everything you wrote. I am also a mom of a little toddler (21 months) and to my disappointment, toddlerhood is not much easier than taking care of an infant. It can get really exhausting – emotionally exhausting. My little one is now into flipping bowls of cereals (with milk in it) and plates full of rice and veggies whenever she feels like it. On good days I’d talk to her calmly but on bad days, I would just lose it (I’d call my husband and whine. lol).
Thanks for the reminder! The part where you wrote you felt forgiven, melted my heart.
Rowena
Rowena @ RiseFallNeverQuit´s last blog ..Six Things You Should NEVER Tell a Mom
July 18, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Rana says:
This same thing happened to me in meltdown form at the store on Monday with my 6 year old daughter. She was fine in the morning and boom evilness just took over. I stayed calm in the store while she was screaming and making a scene. I had to leave my purchases at the counter and I politely walked out the door with my daughter and my son. We didn’t even make it halfway home and she was asleep. I knew she was tired, I just tried to stay calm and keep breathing. It is such a hard lesson to learn to stay calm and don’t react. Thanks for this post.
Rana´s last blog ..Small Talk Six
July 18, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Mariah says:
Thanks for the great advice – I love the Tolstoy quote
July 19, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Megan at Simple Kids says:
Be with it. Yes. I needed THAT today. Our toddler is working on those two year molars and it is torture for ALL of us. Breathing deep and thinking of response . . . that will be my driving motivation tomorrow (and the day after and the day after and the day after).
Megan at Simple Kids´s last blog ..Simple As That: Inviting Stillness
July 20, 2009 at 11:16 pm
ErinB says:
Whew. I totally needed this to regroup! I was convinced my darling, sweet, newly turned 2-yr old has been trying very hard to the looney bin. I have been so frustrated and feeling like I was a bad mom cuz I didnt know how to deal…so I get angry and annoyed and frustrated- which gets us no where….so now I am taking your advice…taking a deep breathe and really listening to what she is saying when she is “screaming”… and wow- its helping!! beautiful, wonderful piece!! thank you~
July 21, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Mike K says:
It’s important to remember, especially with little ones under 4, that a lot of times their tantrums result because they want (or don’t want) something but just can’t communicate that. Instead of saying “Mommy (or Daddy…to be fair) I’m tired and don’t care for any peas right now. Thank you for your effort though.” They throw their peas, or feed them to the dog. In these instances, your only wrong doing is not being a baby psychic. Take a deep breath and if necessary walf away. 5-10 minutes of screaming in their crib while you are having some “me” time hasn’t hurt a child yet.
Go Irish!
July 21, 2009 at 11:11 pm