Yesterday I read a thoughtful piece, Nurturing Independence in Our Children, written by Megan at Simple Kids. In anticipation of July 4th, she challenged readers to think about how we can nurture and encourage a spirit of independence in our children. Needless to say, I am approaching this holiday through an entirely new lens. Thank you, Megan.
I sunk into the couch last night and turned to a favorite book of mine: Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. In it, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn discuss the idea of honoring sovereignty in ourselves and in our children. This resonated with me:
“Children are born with sovereignty, in that they are born perfectly who and what they are. We like to think that every child that is born really is an incarnation of what is most sacred in life, and that we as parents are guardians of the unfolding and flowering of their being and their beauty.”
The Kabat-Zinn’s believe that our heart’s greatest desire is to live in accordance with our true nature and to honor the wholeness of our being. They believe that we, as parents, have a sacred responsibility to encourage our children to be who they are, and to celebrate their beauty and innate goodness.
So how, in our daily lives, can we honor the sovereignty of our children? Here is what the Kabat-Zinn’s suggest:
- Acknowledge the unique personality of your child, and the various stages of development (including those trying toddler and teenage years).
- Let go of your attachment to expectation and be present to what is. Embrace the present with an open heart.
- Connect to your own feelings, reactions, and tendencies by paying close attention to your own mind and body.
- Acknowledge that you cannot solve all problems. Instead, empathize. Model trust and a belief in your child’s abilities.
Easier said than done? Yes. Still, I appreciate the work of people who call me to my highest self and who nudge me toward the spiritual practice of mindful parenting. It’s a true gift.
This weekend and always, may you be free. Happy Independence Day!
Mark says:
Hi Mary Jo,
Based on second hand reports on Jon and Myla’s kids, the greater/harder challenge for parents who want to honor sovereignty and nurture independence is to still hold the parenting role and reins pretty firmly. Otherwise, the kids too often end up pretty demanding and bratty with an overblown sense of unappealing entitlement.
I don’t expect that will be a problem for you or Tim. You’re from New Jersey, afterall!
Best,
Mark
July 4, 2009 at 8:38 am
Vanessa says:
Mary Jo,
As usual, a very thought provoking post. I particularly liked the point about using empathy to respond to your children’s problems rather than trying to solve them. The temptation to be a problem solver is often strong, but that response can end up sounding dismissive to the child. “Just do this…” It’s a fine line, but remembering that sometimes just saying the words “I understand how you feel” may be all the child needs.
Happy 4th!
Vanessa
July 4, 2009 at 2:46 pm
turnitupmom says:
Mark,
I absolutely agree that sovereignty is not about entitlement. Honoring who your child is does not negate the need for rules. From my experiences as a classroom teacher, I believe that children want and thrive from clear boundaries and expectations.
July 4, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Megan at Simple Kids says:
“Let go of your attachment to expectation and be present to what is. Embrace the present with an open heart. ”
This is where I struggle! Attachment to my expectations of who my daughters are and who they are becoming . . . definitely an area I have to be mindful of.
These are great thoughts and are from a perspective I had not before considered.
July 7, 2009 at 1:12 am