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Today, you can find me over at Simple Kids, reviewing the picture book, Those Shoes, for early elementary readers and their families. This is a story about a young boy who desperately wants new black sneakers with white stripes, the fancy ones he can’t afford. Sound familiar? At some point, haven’t we all desired those coveted shoes, or purse, or car, or bigger kitchen? Did I say bigger kitchen? Yes, that’s what I want. Oh, and a finished basement. I’m convinced that these things would make me happier, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe then I would want to upgrade all of my appliances to stainless. (Honestly, just the thought makes me shamefully happy.) This is my struggle. Is anybody with me?  

It’s hard not to want all that stuff and to be content with what is. Dr. Charles Berg, author of Is Your Lifestyle Killing You?, states that “it isn’t letting go of things that’s important, but letting go of attitudes toward things.” He challenges us to seek happiness within- right here, right now.  

Our relationship with money and things is learned. From an early age, we assign money a certain degree of power. The question becomes, how much should we give it? Should we choose to buy our kids those shoes, the cool ones that everybody has?  It’s awfully hard to say NO, but are we teaching our children that stuff can make us happy?  

I would argue that in the short-term, yes, things have the power to make us happy.  But over the long haul, they do not satisfy our deepest needs and desires.  So, what does?  (Warning: This may sound trite.) An attitude of gratitude for all that is. When I focus on all that I have, all that I want loses its power over me.  

At the end of the day, when those rubber shoes are worn, I am blessed. I am safe. I am full. I am warm. I am loved. All this I need. All this I want. Even more than the kitchen.

As a parent, how do you balance your children’s wants and needs?  In what ways are you encouraging your children to seek happiness from within?   

Earth’s Best, Beaches Family Resorts, American Greetings, McDonald’s.  These are the proud sponsors of Sesame Street.  I know them well.  So does my toddler.  Call me crazy, but I recently started fast-forwarding through the McDonald’s segment.  Oh my God, have I become one of those hyper-vigilant moms?  Marion Nestle made me do it.  Her comprehensive guide on food and nutrition, What to Eat, opened my eyes to the deception of big food companies and the sophisticated marketing tactics they use to target kids.  They are so good that we don’t even notice it.  That’s precisely the problem.

Take breakfast cereals, for example.  What child isn’t attracted to cartoon characters like Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes), Toucan Sam (Froot Loops), or the Trix rabbit?  You can’t blame them.  These brands boast fun. Many even send kids to websites with games featuring these characters.  Although I cringe at the idea of chocolate Lucky Charms at 7 a.m., Nestle argues that brand loyalty, not actual taste, is the issue. Darn leprechaun.

Can parents just say no?  Easier said than done, especially for working parents who are wearing multiple hats throughout the day.  Even Nestle confesses caving in to her kids’ nagging: “If, as I was, you are working full time and are away from your kids most of the day, the last thing you want to do is argue with them about cereals and sodas. In the greater scheme of raising children, buying a box of cereal or a snack food seems harmless enough.  So you give in.  I certainly did. Marketers know this, and exploit the time-pressured realities of modern life to the hilt.”

Nestle has some rules for the easiest way to deal with kids’ marketing in supermarkets.  I think that some are a bit unrealistic for many moms (e.g. don’t take small children grocery shopping), but I’m going to try some of these strategies: 

• Set spending limits in advance for snacks or specific aisles.  I don’t expect that my daughter will never eat candy or junk, but I love the idea of setting a dollar spending limit. 
• Don’t buy products with cartoons and games on them.  
• Don’t buy cereals or snacks that say “fun,” which is often equated with unhealthy.  
• Don’t buy foods because they are vitamin-enriched.  They are usually also sugar-enriched.  
• Stick to the periphery of the supermarket, or spend minimal time in the center aisles.  
• Talk to your children about food marketing and target audiences.  

When I was in college, the director of my dorm always said, “All things in moderation.”  I’m not ashamed to admit that sometimes I sneak a handful of M&M’s when I need a little fix.  Overall, however, we are a health-conscious family, and my daughter eats peas by the handful.  I guess that’s why I feel compelled to fast forward through McDonald’s.  It’s my way of saying, “We’re not lovin’ it.”  Beaches family resorts? Now that’s another story.

Yesterday I read a thoughtful piece, Nurturing Independence in Our Children, written by Megan at Simple Kids.  In anticipation of July 4th, she challenged readers to think about how we can nurture and encourage a spirit of independence in our children.  Needless to say, I am approaching this holiday through an entirely new lens.  Thank you, Megan.  

I sunk into the couch last night and turned to a favorite book of mine: Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.  In it, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn discuss the idea of honoring sovereignty in ourselves and in our children.  This resonated with me: 

“Children are born with sovereignty, in that they are born perfectly who and what they are.  We like to think that every child that is born really is an incarnation of what is most sacred in life, and that we as parents are guardians of the unfolding and flowering of their being and their beauty.”  

The Kabat-Zinn’s believe that our heart’s greatest desire is to live in accordance with our true nature and to honor the wholeness of our being. They believe that we, as parents, have a sacred responsibility to encourage our children to be who they are, and to celebrate their beauty and innate goodness.  

So how, in our daily lives, can we honor the sovereignty of our children? Here is what the Kabat-Zinn’s suggest: 

• Acknowledge the unique personality of your child, and the various stages of development (including those trying toddler and teenage years).
• Let go of your attachment to expectation and be present to what is. Embrace the present with an open heart. 
• Connect to your own feelings, reactions, and tendencies by paying close attention to your own mind and body. 
• Acknowledge that you cannot solve all problems. Instead, empathize. Model trust and a belief in your child’s abilities.  

Easier said than done?  Yes.  Still, I appreciate the work of people who call me to my highest self and who nudge me toward the spiritual practice of mindful parenting.  It’s a true gift.  

This weekend and always, may you be free.  Happy Independence Day!

If you answered yes to one of these questions, then it’s time to pick up a copy of Jen Singer’s latest guide to confident parenting: Stop Second-Guessing Yourself: The Toddler Years.  Jen Singer, the internet’s favorite Momma and creator of MommaSaid.net, addresses these crazy years with honesty and wit. This survival guide is packed with tried and true tips from a seasoned mom, someone who understands why we muffle the phone in a pile of laundry during naptime. Jen is the real deal, empathizing with the challenges we face everyday.  She advocates for schedules and yet understands improvisation.  And she knows what it’s like to feel trapped in the house with a messy, strong-willed shrieker.  

This book offers sound advice and encouragement about everything from bedtime to potty training readiness to, of course, meltdowns in the middle of Target.  Through entertaining anecdotes, Jen finds humor in the trenches of toddlerhood and invites us to embrace our humanness as mothers.  If you do nothing else today, pat yourself on the back.  Then, grab a copy of Stop Second-Guessing Yourself: The Toddler Years, and lock yourself in the bathroom for a little extra validation.

So how can I talk to my toddler about food and avoid the negotiating and bribery game that drains so many parents and ends in a power struggle?  

I recently consulted Dr. William Sears’s book, The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood.  Dr. Sears uses a simple and kid-friendly language when discussing food.  He talks of “green light” (best) foods versus “red light” (worst) foods, and uses this terminology to steer kids towards making healthy choices.  Dr. Sears also refers to nutritious foods as “grow foods.”  His article, The ABC’s of Teaching Nutrition to Your Kids, is an excellent resource for parents; it offers practical tips for raising a health-conscious child with an adventurous palette (without crowning you Meanest Mother in the World).   

Stacie Elliott, founder of New Mommy Help, regularly blogs about supporting and encouraging new moms.  She is the mother of 4 beautiful children, twin boys- 6, girl-3, boy-1.  I am so grateful for Stacie’s expertise in this area (I consider the mom of 4 good eaters an expert!)

“I believe proper nutrition begins at birth–preferably breastfeeding. This requires a mom to think about what she is eating right from the start. By the way, this is a fine example of the beginning of motherhood, isn’t it? We have to make sacrifices and wise decisions regarding our children that we might never have made otherwise.

“As moms, we all know that it doesn’t matter what is on our plate; our children want it. Obviously, we can say what we want about food, but in the end our actions speak louder. Modeling healthy eating is a vital form of communication. For example, when our children started on solid foods, I chose to make homemade baby food. As often as possible, I would simply use the food we were having for dinner. If we had baked sweet potatoes, I made a puree for the baby. Of course, this only works when choosing nutritionally sound meals.

“We regularly talk about the ingredients and nutritional value in different foods. Like, meat has protein for strong muscles. Fruits and Veggies have various vitamins, etc.  Our kids respond well to that and seem to make good choices when given the chance. However, our 6-year-olds are already dealing with peer pressure in this area. They see what other kids eat and drink and want to know why they can’t have soda (for example). Since we have already talked about how foods provide various types of nutrition, they can understand our decision better.

“In response to the question, “Have I eaten enough to have dessert?” we have designated dessert days. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are dessert days. Everyone knows dessert is only on weekends. We view it as something special, and it’s not expected any other day. We do, however, make exceptions on special occasions (i.e. birthdays). We tell our kids that desserts have lots of sugar and very little healthy ingredients, if any. That’s why we do not have dessert every day. We want to take care of our bodies and limit foods that are empty.”

I recently heard a mom remark, “I don’t know what I’m going to do with my kids this summer.  They don’t know how to just play.”  Sound familiar? 

I’m making a sweeping generalization here: Today’s suburban kids live by set schedules and organized, adult-regulated activities.  We moms shuttle them off to piano lessons, tutoring, baseball practice, art class.  We think we’re doing what’s best for our kids.  We want them to have opportunities, so we start building our kids’ “resumes” in elementary school. 

Yes, I would agree that kids learn discipline, the value of teamwork, and socially appropriate behavior from playing soccer or saxophone.  But there’s a seriousness and rigidity to all of this structure, and we’re missing something big. . .

PLAY.    

In his outstanding book, Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagintion, and Invigorates the Soul, Stuart Brown, M.D., discusses play as a state of mind.  He defines it as “an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of self-consciousness and sense of time.” 

Notice how Brown says that play is “apparently purposeless.”  In his eyes, it is perhaps the most important aspect of brain growth.  Brown believes that “play lies at the core of creativity and innovation.”

But we think that kids who fit the mold, who play “the game” with an exceptional GPA and an impressive resume (that includes a service trip to Africa, of course), will be rewarded in life. 

How many unhappy college graduates do you know? 

In recent years, Brown has presented a seminar on play to Stanford sophomores, who he believes are “suffering from low-grade play deprivation, and are so used to their hectic, pressured, high-performance lives (despite still being kids) that they don’t realize what they have missed in the pursuit of academic excellence and success.” 

I was that kid.  Growing up, I was so tightly wound that I lost sight of play.   For me, good grades got old, and there was a huge price to pay for not cutting loose.  At the end of the day, who cares about academic accolades and big fat promotions if there is no play. 

So, how can we encourage our children to play? 

Brown suggests exposing our children to various opportunities at a young age and taking note of their early desires and inclinations, “the natural choices that your child’s early play demonstrates.”  Then, encourage those early patterns that result from natural desires to build, sing, create, dance, etc.

So, the next time your child plays with the box instead of the $100 award-winning toy inside of it, swallow your pride and give yourself permission to smile.  She is building a world for herself and mastering the most important subject, Life 101.  

My wish for my daughter is that she will one day look in the mirror and see a competent, compassionate, confident woman.   I want so much for her, but above all, I want her to know that who she is will always be enough.  

Below are some phrases I’ve used (adapted from STEP: Parenting Young Children), guaranteed to encourage your child, so that she can feel good about herself.